A Letter To My Teenage Self

Dear Justine,

Looking back, I realized that I was a very lost and confused teenager.  At times I might have thought I knew who I was, but there's who you are, who you think you are, who you strive to be, and then who you strive not to be, hope not to be, do everything possible not to be but sometimes still end up being.  ​

You were never one of the "cool kids," but you had friends who were.  You were never a "nerd" but people assumed you were smart, because you're Asian, even though you worked your ass off to be slightly above average--B+ like your blood type.  You were never an outcast, but you never felt like you quite fit in, so you became a chameleon, which, come to think of it, is probably why you oft felt so lost and confused.   You learned to be loud and funny (and/or obnoxious depending how you view it), because that was how you were going to be seen and heard.  You were nice to the wrong people and not nice enough to those you should have valued more, but mostly you tried to love everyone.  The cage door was always left open so eventually you explored a bit of the wild side.  

Your insecurities sometimes got the better of you and made you an angsty teen, and you were really hard on yourself, really hard sometimes.  Your heart was tender and you cared deeply for everything you did and the people in your life.

If I could go back in time I'd tell you to first be kind to yourself, love yourself.  You have to love yourself, otherwise you'll never allow yourself to be loved.  I'd tell you not to worry about anyone else, just be kind to everyone.  If I could go back in time I'd tell you that something will happen to you that will change your life forever--for the better and for the worse, but in the end it's all for the better because you'll realize that only YOU get to choose how your life is lived.  If I could go back in time I'd have you realize you are deserving of love.  I'd tell you not to be afraid of being loved and valued for who you are at your core.  Your faults and falls only make your core stronger and more brilliant. If I could go back in time I'd tell you that you often feel lost and confused because you are indefinable, despite every label people try to attach to you.  Let truth guide you and compassion move you.

You were never meant to be perfect.  You were only meant to love.

BIG LOVE & HUGS

Love,

Justine