My friend thinks I’m emotionally unavailable, but en contraire, Bar Prep makes me cry…and so did Sunday’s episode of Downton Abbey. See? I have plenty of emotions available to be expended—expended on only the most appropriate and necessary situations ;).
Okay, but in all seriousness, studying for the Bar is overwhelming. I think that anyone who has gone through it, or is going through what I’m going through now will agree that fear, panic, and breakdowns are just normal parts of preparing for the Bar. I currently feel like I’m filled with panic and motivation, and tears and determined smiles…and this is with six months still to go! Wait until May when I go into intensive Bar prep mode, and then you’ll think I’ve lost my mind—well, no you won’t, because the only people who are going to see me in those couple of months leading up to the Bar are the ones who will be having breakdowns every now and then with me.
What I didn’t get into explaining to my friend, because I was caught up with my studies, is that it’s the 21st century. It’s no longer the case that if a girl is not married by the time she’s 21 then she’s an old spinster or some other derogatory form of "single woman." I think it blows his mind that I swore off serious relationships when I started law school like I have an on-off switch for love and relationships, because he is the ultimate hopeless romantic—always looking for his future in every girl he meets. Whereas, I’m turning twenty-five this year, and I’m not worried one bit about settling down, or what will happen if I never settle down.
It’s not like I swore off relationships forever—just for the duration of law school. Besides I had just gotten out of a serious relationship right before I started school—a seriously horrible relationship—and I wanted this time to focus on me, focus on school, and focus on where this new adventure was going to take me. My friends who have either known me for a long time, or the ones who have been through law school and the Bar all tell me I made the right decision. I agree. I agree that this was the right decision for me.
Law school, and especially the Bar, forces you to have to be selfish. It comes down to determination and what matters to you. What do you really want? And how badly do you want it?
What I’ve learned is that it’s okay to be a little selfish from time to time. Sometimes you have to in order to forge your path. But when I make a selfish decision, I make sure that that decision ultimately has a bigger ripple effect of good for those in my life. For example, with law school, you have to ignore your family and friends at times if you want to come out alive. If you want to pass the Bar, you know you’re going to have to make temporary sacrifices.
But see? That’s the key—“temporary.” The bad is only temporary…if you let it be. If you want to hold on to misery, well then, that’s your problem.
In the big scheme of things, law school is only three years of my life, and the actual Bar test will only be three days of my life…well, five because I’m taking two state Bars.
I think what my friend mistook for emotional unavailability, is really just a choice to focus on what is currently most important to me. I’m not in a rush to settle down. I’ve learned more about myself in the last three years than I ever have. I've learned my true strengths and weakness. I've learned my limits and my capabilities. I've learned what matters most to me. And I just think that if you never take the time to get to know yourself, how will anyone else ever get to know you?
Don't forget to be magnificent!
BIG LOVE & HUGS