To Ghost Or Not To Ghost

That is the question. To ensure that we're all on the same page, ghosting is when you intentionally disappear from someone's life--stop answering texts, calls, emails, and any other form of communication.  This also includes blocking people on social media platforms.   It's not always an easy decision to make, nor one that I ever really want to make, but sometimes you just have to.  I learned that there are times, especially as a woman, you just have to look out for yourself. So when is it appropriate to ghost someone or how do you know when ghosting is the best response?  I have had this discussion with several friends, male and female, and if you find yourself wondering if you should ghost someone or not, here are a few examples of when is probably an appropriate situation for ghosting. (It's important to note that I am speaking from a female perspective because I am a woman, but the reverse also applies for men in similar situations.)

1. He's just a creepin':  This is probably the most common situation in which to ghost someone.  When a guy starts to know too much about you, or is clearly trying to find out more about you in a "stalking" manner, don't even waste your time or breath, and ghost him.  Stalking is a serious and terrifying matter, so of course, if the creeping escalates to stalking, ghosting is vital.  
2. When a person doesn't understand the meaning of "no" or "stop": Sometimes I think to myself, I should be an adult about this, and confront the person by telling him he is making me uncomfortable, and to please stop contacting me.  However, sometimes saying "no" or "stop" actually has the opposite effect and encourages a man to try even harder.  "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again," does not apply to every situation, okay people?  It's about boundaries and respect, so if a person can't hear "no" or "stop," then ghost him.  As a result, I know women who will immediately ghost a guy if they get uncomfortable, because they don't want to deal with inadvertently encouraging someone whose attention they do not want, and I don't blame them.
3. Respecting marital boundaries: I have actually encountered two very different situations related to respecting marital boundaries, in which I was in two very different positions.  In the first situation, I was single and my friend was married.  We had become good friends, and I greatly valued his friendship; but then one day that changed when I started to feel he was becoming too close to me, based on something he said to me.  It didn't help that he was unhappy in his marriage.  So, while I initially tried to distance myself, I ultimately decided it was best to probably ghost him.  That was very difficult for me, because as I had mentioned, he had become a good friend, but I could not get in the way of someone's marriage. A few years afterwards I finally sent him a message, to apologize for ghosting him, but explained why I did it.  I haven't spoken to him since, but I do hope that he is well, and hopefully has worked through his marriage. More recently, and now married, I met a person who I seemed to immediately bond with.  After our first meeting, I even went home to my husband and told him how cool it was to meet this guy.  However, that feeling changed very quickly in the following days.  He was messaging me a lot, and at first I was very responsive.  I can't explain it, but sometimes I open up way too easily to some people (and sometimes regret it later), while with others it may take me a while to open up (but then I find I had no reason to be guarded around this person).  His questions were peculiar, but interesting, sometimes like deep life questions, that in retrospect I'd probably only ever ask a love interest or one of my girlfriends whilst having a deep philosophical conversation, so the discomfort in my gut started slowly simmering.  Soon he was clearly coming on too strong and it was getting very weird, especially since he knew I was married.  The sad truth is that as a woman, that's one of the first things I have to throw out there when meeting a man--I always find a way to casually bring up my husband, because ideally that would set the boundary right then and there.  Even more unfortunate is that that doesn't always work.  So, after seeking advice from my husband and a couple of my best friends, I decided it was time to ghost him.  It was funny, I always like to think the best in people, and so for a while have wondered if maybe he was indeed harmless; but just the other day received confirmation that he is in fact a slimy creep, so now I have no guilt about ghosting him.
4. When it becomes unhealthy: Sometimes a relationship--romantic or platonic--just becomes unhealthy for you.  I once had a friend who I felt like was an energy-sucking vampire.  I know she meant well, and she could be a really good friend at times, but I was always drained around her, so finally one day I just thought, I can't do this anymore.  I didn't quite ghost her, but we eventually drifted apart.  I have friends who have had to ghost family members because of the toxic relationships that were weighing down their lives.  Remember, you can't be your best self if other people's toxicity or even your own, is weighing you down. So, cut that fat out of your life!

Ultimately, you just have to think to yourself, life is too short to burden yourself with such worries.  So, if ghosting means feeling safer and taking a weight off your shoulders, then don't think too hard about it and ghost away.  In AA, I believe making amends is one of the steps, but they do say that if trying to make certain amends will harm you, then don't do it.  You cannot please everyone.  Life is not about being nice to everyone, it's just about not being an asshole to anyone.  Ghosting does not make you an asshole if you're protecting yourself.

BIG LOVE & HUGS

Love,

​Justine